The Day a Dad Realizes His Eagles Already Soar
There comes a time when you realize the fruition of all the cajoling, outdoor adventure, talks at night and pounding on the door to get a kid into action and your role as the harsh enforcer comes to fruition. You see it if you’re lucky when they lay out their goals and plans, and you realize that they came to these objectives on their own, and without you, they will achieve their goals. Those goals will surprise you in some ways. That’s how it should be. Know that a part of you is in the spark of inspiration that moved your kid to take something on.
Those don’t come from academia nor a system. Certainly those things can provide ideas and are a catalyst, but fatherhood is not the sum of college courses taken, degrees earned nor prestige from the workplace. Fatherhood is the sum of your own failures, your own dreams that may not have transpired but guided you to better choices. That’s a huge component that we tend to ignore. We are so fearful of misinformation that this phobia in itself will lead to many other fearful states we seem to conjure lately. It’s sad.
Here’s my list of strengths and characteristics a father should possess that academia will NEVER provide you. It will surprise you, it will seem harsh. But these things are essential. I am a harsh man, but the world will be even harsher to my children.
Impatience - yes, as a dad it’s your duty to get the troop moving when mom’s motivation is not enough. It’s better to have the scout troop be a bit fearful of you, so when you need all eyeballs in the room on you, they listen. They’ll learn about your sense of humor later. When we give into dithering around, life passes by. Kids don’t realize that and soon, when it’s too late, they won’t have the drive to meet the day. And they will be deeply disappointed.
Bellicosity - yes, as a dad you need to demand things of your children, loudly, because life will require them to yield more than is appropriate many times, and your kids being used to a strong voice will not overwhelm them when eventually they need to push back. It bolsters them. They’ll conjure that voice when they need it, they will call upon that energy when they have to say “no” or remove themselves from situations where they are exploited. So much is aligned against them that academia can never prepare them for.
Skepticism - verify then trust. That means as a dad, you walk into rooms, unannounced. Is the door closed? So what, knock, walk in. If you have daughters you’ll have to respect some moments of privacy but I can tell you that at midnight, closed doors shedding no light into the hallway after you have been outside to see light seeping out from behind blinds is a signal that someone is still up when they shouldn’t be. Go back, walk in, your skepticism will reinforce that your kids have to maintain your trust with their actions.
Stubbornness - there will be times when your kid will need to face something, and they will be weeping, throwing up or acting out in order to avoid unwarranted fear of risk. Risk is the opportunity to hone skills to mitigate and eventually control outcomes. We drive, we walk on ice - there’s risk everywhere. The time for nurturing is over because when you constantly check the fear factor you are preemptively stealing victory from your kid. Your kid will thank you years later when they have continued on a path that you knew would challenge them. They will tell you that forcing them to continue and give up fear was the best thing ever. Your reward will be seeing them as a self actualized adult some day, perhaps with better skill at that very thing you forced them to endure.
Harsh judgment - other values will intrude, you’ll hear from other parents “kids just don’t respond, they will rebel if you are too strict …”. I rebelled, but I had a father who would carry out the promise “I will come find you if you are not home when you promised you would be. Those values of “buh buh buh they let Lori and Dave stay out …” are coming to intrude on your family order. You need to have firm answers, you need to be the arbiter of what you are willing to listen to. Those stories of freedom will need to be answered. Sometimes with sarcasm as you point out the failings of the “freedom kids”. There are plenty of kids who are allowed to do just whatever, that’s a path to failure. You need to point that out. While I didn’t like it when my father did that, years later I understood what he meant when I saw the disastrous outcome some of the freedom kids made for themselves. He’d deliver those little bombs from the porch when people walked down the street. I still remember the delivery and the rattling of the newspaper as he uttered “There’s Linda - she’s going nowhere pretty fast”.
These things will bring you to the moment when you see your kid intent on a new goal that you were unaware of, then after they explain the plan that gets to an even greater goal, you know they are soaring about the nest without you. There should be no remorse in this - you did the right thing by getting them ready. They have a bit of Cultural Courage, because your family life provided them with lore and legends of dad being present, not letting things get out of hand when they needed guidance but didn’t know it at the time. They have values that walk out the door with them that can’t be instilled from a book, a study, a professor or a Paul Krugman.
We seek to cut ourselves off from our Cultural Courage, our values that are far better than revelations from a Hegelian cycle of never changing truth. What do our eyes see constantly that draws us away from that? But remember, a dads voice can shock kids back to reality. That’s a strength. “No” is a strength. Boundaries enable innovation, that springs from setting the rules. That was my role as a dad - I didn’t learn that from school. I learned that from my father, who amazingly grew up without a father from age 11 on. So in many ways I’m just a repeater, my dad somehow tuned into the right things in life to instill in me.
Cultural Courage.
