The Mighty Humanzee and the Night Of the Cannibal Karens - Part 1

A Fiction Entry For The Star Firecodes Contest - Sentences I Never Thought I Would Say Or Hear: Volume Eleven

Something very different, my entry for Demi of the Starfire Codes Writing Contest. No, while some may accuse me of thinking I am a super hero, I don’t. But would be in a 70s style TV show about the adventures of a character who traveled from town to town like Caine on Kung Fu, you betcha. The lines you see in bold are the quotes Demi supplies for the contest. Hope you enjoy.

Kick off the video, it sets the mood.

“I’m bleedin’ serious, where’s Stevie at,” bellowed Seamus from the upstairs entrance, his sing-song Irish brogue carrying downstairs with his footfalls trudging on the steps.

Stevie let go of my collar, shoving me away.  I just got lucky, again.  I had left that knife in the kitchen.  I could have used it if Katerina weren’t sitting there on the couch.

Stevie, 100 percent Nazi monkey suckage, had at least 30 pounds on me.  He was an ugly Nazi.  Blond, beefy, pug nose.  Dumb looking, never smiled unless he was causing someone pain.  I found that out the hard way when he slugged me earlier.  A right fist almost to the eye - I’m fast, he missed, grazing my temple instead, but he caught me with his left to my ear.  He’s strong as fuck and my ear is still ringing this past day.

”You go near that storage area again, I’ll stomp your ass,” he had said, grinning.  “You’re fast, but you ain’t mean enough.  Bitch.”  

Stevie is stupid though.  Now I know there’s something in that locked room they really don’t want me finding out about.  Stevie is always forgetting to lock doors, and when I told him he left it unlocked, he slugged me.

But Stevie was afraid of Seamus.  Everyone was.  Except maybe Katerina.  Or at least she never seemed to be on the receiving end of his rages.  She barely looked up from that phone of hers when she spoke to Seamus.  For whatever reason he didn’t seem to mind either.  It’s weird - she has this slight accent, I can’t tell what it is, it makes her sound bored all the time, like nothing gets to her.  Dark hair, sleeve tattoos, just a few years older than me.  Tough.  Maybe she’s Russian, I dunno.  Russians are a lot like pitbulls.

Stevie towered over Seamus - Seamus is shorter than me, but the look in his cold blue eyes was a bag full of crazy.  Stevie being a natural dumb ass, was always stumbling over his words when talking to Seamus, like he was nervous at Stevie finding out how fucking dumb he was.  

“Stevie, did ya put the wheel lock on his car?”  Seamus walked into the room, on a warpath straight over to Stevie, droplets of rain beading up on his leather coat and dripping  down to the floor.  Standing toe to toe with Stevie, he asked again, hissing.  “Did ya.  Put.  The fookin’ wheel lock..  On his.  Fookin car.  Like I told ya?”  

Shifting his weight from foot to foot, Stevie said nothing.

“Did you watch the fookin’ cameras at least?  Pete here fixed those, that’s why he’s here.  Did ya bother lookin’ at those every few minutes?”  He stabbed a finger at the row of monitors in the back of the room.  Most of my time since coming out to the compound has been spent working on the network and cameras.  The girls, dealers, Stevie and Katerina would float in and out while I fixed their mess.   

Stevie retreated as Seamus inched forward.  “Well?”

”Stevie has been creeping around the girls' rooms,” said Katerina from the couch, sounding bored.  Lowering her ever present phone briefly, she looked at Seamus, adding “And harassing Pete.”  

“Jaaaayyysuss!  Well, he’s gone Stevie.  He took his car while ya were sniffing panties and acting the maggot.”  

“We … we … we woulda heard,” stammered Stevie.

Seamus answered by slapping Stevie.  Hard.  Blood dripped from Stevie’s nose.  I barely saw Seamus move, he was so freakin’ fast.  Stevie was backed up now against the wall, wiping the blood away.

”That’s right.  I'm the fluffer for the purse-cocks”, Seamus said sarcastically.   “I ain’t lyin’, “ he shouted angrily.  “His car is gone.  I was just out front.  Ya woulda heard?!!”

”It’s a 4 speed, Stevie,” said Katerina, scrolling her phone with her thumb.  “You don’t know what that means, do you?”

”No shit … it’s stick,” Stevie shot back.

”Yah - no shite, eejit.”  Seamus was on Stevie, swinging fists wildly.  “Do ya, now?  That meant he could roll it down the hill, with you arseholes inside not hearin’ a bleedin thing!”  He gave Stevie a kick to the ankle, then swept the foot as he kept screaming “Do ya, now!!  Do ya now!!”.  Finishing with a kick to Stevie’s ribs, Seamus circled away, running his hands through his soaking hair.

”Camera’s out front, a camera in the room.  He’s gone.  I spent a month trackin’ him, we had him here, in cuffs, and ya let him. Get.  Away.  FOOK!”  Seamus kicked a side table in frustration.  “Ya let the Mighty Humanzee fookin get away!”

And with that, normalcy disappeared in a puff of logic…

After throwing his coat on the couch next to Katerina, Seamus paced, muttering to himself.  She squinted her emerald eyes as she studied him, a little suspicious.

”What,” she asked.

Seamus was afraid.  My hands started shaking, seeing Seamus afraid was scarier than seeing him take down Stevie.  Who knows what he’d do.  Seamus had two speeds - all charming and smiles, or rage monster.  I had only been at the house a few days, and his temper was like a switch, mostly triggered by Stevie and the other dealers.  He was brutal, but left me alone while I fixed the cameras and made sure we could still stream out to the web.   He let Katerina handle the girls - the “talent” as he called them - making sure they were on their scheduled times for live chat with the customers.  The compound was a hell hole, but I couldn’t leave, not yet.

I have to find my sister Ruby.  And if Seamus has hurt her or worse, I’m killing him.  The thought of Ruby helped me stop trembling.  She’s all I have left.  

“What,” asked Katerina again, sitting up.  She was unusually intent - mostly she acted like nothing bothered her.  Tough, like a pit bull.  Seamus had upset her now, too.  

”Karen knows we brought him here,” answered Katerina herself eventually.

“She’s using a scryer - Jessica, that one we brought to her last month.  She had the Sight.”

I didn’t know what a scryer was, but Katerina's normal bitch at rest face was now gone.  The Sight, whatever that was, freaked her out.  Maybe Katerina was doing something that she didn’t want Seamus to know about, like the Sight was something from the Shining or something where you could see people doing shit  I dunno.  I had no clue who Karen was, I thought Seamus was an Andrew Tate wannabe who was dealing drugs and tricking women like my sister into becoming part of what he called “his online agency”.

Ruby wasn’t the type to be duped, but she being a knockout, she was used to getting men to do things for her.  Sad thing was, Ruby was really smart, but as smart as she was, she was stunning enough to just use her looks to get what she wanted.  Maybe she thought she could leverage something from Seamus.  And sometimes I didn’t understand her.

My family is a wreck.  You might have guessed because I’m stuck here with this group of dealers in a live chat porn studio trying to find my sister.  But like I said, Ruby is all I have left.  After Mom left Dad and was killed in a car accident, Ruby kinda flipped out.  Mom’s side of the family was super talented, but really unstable. Ruby had that same curse.  Drugs and liquor.  Small town curse, as Dad would say, talented people feeling trapped and escaping with substance abuse.  Mom drank and Dad would get that cloudy look on his face and escape to his office upstairs.  Or to work.  

And then one day Mom was gone.  No note, no goodbyes.  Later Ruby told me she sent Dad text and some dude had stopped by the house earlier and she left with him.  I didn’t get it, Ruby tried to explain but I didn’t get it.  Dad’s not cruel, he works hard.  

“Sometimes working hard is an escape,” Ruby said.  She had a distant look in her eye.  “Pete, Dad came back for Mom, but Mom wanted to be taken away.  He just came back, and stayed.”

”I don’t get it - he came back to marry her.”

Ruby shook her head slowly.  “Dad could have done a lot with his life, but he didn’t.  Mom wanted more.”

”For him, or for just herself,” I asked bitterly.  No Ruby, I didn’t get it.

Four months later Ruby took off, too.  She and Dad had been fighting, again.  Ruby was just like Mom, never content.  She is meant for better things, or so she screamed at Dad that he was holding her back.  Our town was going to trap her.  After graduating high school she stayed out late more and more.  A few times Dad had to call his buddy at the Sheriff’s office to get help finding her.  

She didn’t want to go to the college Dad said he could afford.  And after Dad brought her back one night, drunk, she took off the next day.  I didn’t see her the rest of my senior year.  She showed up after I finished high school, looking older, and with a few new tattoos.  Dad and I had a quiet year together, he worked, I had to work, too, and somehow I kept doing that and managed to get a scholarship wrestling at State.  We never mentioned Ruby to each other.  It was too painful.

Ruby showed up on our doorstep with some chick her age I had never met.  No text, no knock on the door.  Just walked in with a new friend, some girl named Hailey.  Just like that.  I thought Dad was going to lose it.

I was wrong - when he finally got home, he just stood staring at Ruby, silent.  All I could think of was Ruby had Mom’s curse.  Big time.  And Dad’s heart was breaking all over again.

Hailey and Ruby stayed for the summer.  I think Dad was too torn up to kick them out, and too worried that he’d drive Ruby away again.  Ruby and Hailey would come and go at all hours, Ruby was drinking lots.  And her phone would not stop pinging her.  Tons of messages from someone named Katerina and this guy, Seamus.  I saw one time he had sent 15 messages one day when Ruby left her cell on the kitchen table.

Two days later our house burned to the ground, with Dad in it.  Ruby and Hailey were gone, and I found Ruby’s phone on the lawn.  Ruby was being a selfish bitch, but no way she’d leave her phone, nor leave Dad like this.

That got me here, watching Seamus nearly losing his shit.  Talking about this guy named Humanzee something and The Sight.

And with that, normalcy disappeared in a puff of logic…

“Seamus, you mean Karen’s watching us, this whole time?” Katerina’s face was white as a sheet.

“Maybe.  I dunno.  Jessica’s sight didn’t seem that strong.  So I dunno.  Ya better get the Azazel’s Bowl.”  

“You’re not using my blood this time,” said Katerina, really pissed.  I had no clue what they were talking about.  But I expected them to turn to me and ask for a donation.

Seamus strode back to Stevie who still lay on the floor, moaning.  Kneeling he produced a knife and grabbing Stevie’s ear, turned his head sharply and showed Stevie the blade.  “Stevie won’t mind giving us some of his.”

Katerina brushed past me, saying “C’mon Pete, you can help carry the jars”.

”No,” called out Seamus.  “Pete, get on the cameras, find all the footage of the Humanzee - that guy we brought in.  Dump it to a thumb drive.  Ya got 30 minutes.”

---

I’m good with tech, Dad used me a lot in his business and let me tinker. He was like that - let us go down rabbit holes and learn.  I think I just told you I worked while in high school, and was able to work part time as an admin for a local company my senior year.  Where I grew up in the Catskills there’s not a lot of people around to hire, so if you get lucky and find someone cheap, you hold on to them.  One of Dad’s buddies from his old unit had a spot and needed someone to run their network.  There’s not a lot of distractions or things to do in a small town, so I took the job.  If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t be here now.  It’s like a lot of things were decided for me to get me here, looking for Ruby or for revenge.

I sat down at the keyboard and logged into the camera system.  Seamus and Katerina had lots of money to burn, and while they had equipment laying all over, it was expensive equipment. They had cameras for all the girls, and ran 10 chat rooms 24 x 7 right from this location.  Plus cameras for the compound, at each entrance, the grounds and at spots along the dirt road that wound its way from the county road and through the woods.    

Half the security cams didn’t work, and they needed disk storage installed for the video.  It was a half a day's job at most, but I stretched it out a few days to give myself time to see what I could find of Ruby.  I got lucky because they had all the storage drives just stacked out in the open, and a few pizza box servers that were hot to the touch.  Seamus just nodded at me approvingly when I said they needed to put those units someplace cooler, and that bought me some time.

Yeah I wasn’t eager to find footage of my sister doing what the others did for the creepers and coomers who subscribed, and truth be told, I didn’t think Ruby would do something that gross.  But she had changed after that year away, and who knows what all the partying had done to her.

Wait!  There it was - I found yesterday’s footage.  The side entrance.  A black Expedition eased into the picture .  Seamus and Stevie climbed out of the front, a few other men came up into view and huddled around the back door in the rain as Seamus appeared to give orders.  Another car pulled up, an Impala, old.  It looked like something my dad’s buddy would fix up.  A 67.

The men drew their weapons, chambered a round each.  Stevie had a truncheon.  

Seamus said something to Stevie who opened the Expedition’s back door, and another guy got out, turned, and leaning back in, hauled out a dark shape.  It was a dude, average size, jeans and Journeyman coat like my dad used to wear.  His head was covered with a hood.  It looked like his hands were zip tied.  He stumbled as he got out, and the men drew back, pistols raised.  Seamus shouted something at Stevie, who rushed in and grabbed the dude by the elbow, one of the others grabbed the prisoner’s arm.  The guy wobbled, like he was drunk, and Stevie and the others dragged the dude to the door of the house.

Clicking around I cycled through the cameras, and noticed that there was one labeled “Storage Room” I hadn’t paid much attention to.  

That was the back room Stevie chased me out of.  Feeling stupid for not figuring out I could just look at the video of the “forbidden” room, I started flipping through the footage.  Come to think of it, this made Stevie an even bigger ahole, because he knew I was working on the cameras and should have figured I’d find it sooner or later.

So from the video timestamp, they had this guy here for almost 2 days.  I got the idea to work backwards - he was gone now, and maybe I could jump back from right now to see when he got free.

The storage room footage was a snooze - just storage shelves, a long table with blankets and towels piled on a corner and an empty chair.  Taking a chance I jumped back a few hours to midnight.  Still nothing.  Whoever he was, he was gone for a while.  I finally found him, tied up to the chair.  

“You found something?”

I nearly jumped out of my skin.  Katerina had snuck up on me, and was leaning over my shoulder.  That was another reason why I didn’t trust her.

”You freakin’ scared me, Kat.”

“You’re intense.”  She set a dented bowl down on the table and leaned further in.  “Looks like you found it when he took off”.

”Umm … yeah.  11:30.”  She gave me the creeps.  Was hot as hell, but there was coldness about her, maybe her slight accent was it.  She freaked me out.

”You’re always nervous, “ she said, leaning an elbow on my shoulder as she pointed at the screen.  “Seamus wants to know who let him out.”

I jumped the video forward to the frames with the empty chair, then started scrubbing the video backwards again slowly.  There was a blur and then the dude was tied to the chair.  I ran back over the same track, forward frame by frame.  While still tied to the chair, they guy hunched over, bowed his head like he was letting all the air leave his body.  With a sudden jolt his elbows jammed out sideways as he jerked his head and chest back up.  His hands were free and he darted off camera.

Katerina sucked in her breath.  “Holy fuck.  Did he just free himself?”

”Yeah.”

”So he was loose in here.”  She stood up, clutched the bowl to her chest as though to comfort herself.  

Why was she so frightened?

”What the hell is a Humanmzee,” I asked.

”Not sure even I know now,” came the eventual reply.

What the hell did I get myself into?  I needed to find whoever burned down my house and killed Dad, I needed to find Ruby, but this shit was too much.  Weird chicks who could see things like the Shining, psychos kidnapping people, and this dude who just escaped and freaks out even the psychos?  And this Karen who freaked the psychos out too?

“And why does Karen freak Seamus out?”

“You’re smart - too smart to be hanging around here.  You should leave before you see more.  You’re after something, I can see it.  Seamus likes you but that can change.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I’ve been watching you - the moment we walked in the Moosewood you latched on to us.  You want something, it’s keeping you here.  You don’t want to fuck with Seamus, and you don’t want to know Karen.”

Ruby always said I had a tell.  She’s right - sometimes I can’t hide what I’m thinking.  As soon as I heard Seamus’ accent when they walked into the bar I knew I had found who I was looking for.  My shift as busboy hadn’t started yet, so I was sitting with my laptop using the wifi.  After a few months of trying to locate Ruby and get a lead on who last saw her, I needed cash.  I had her phone, and was reaching out to anyone who knew her for some type of clue.  I ended up in Poughkeepsie.

Sometimes I’m lucky.  

“Why are you telling me this,” I asked.  I still didn’t trust Katerina.

Before she answered Seamus appeared with Stevie shuffling behind, with bandages covering his ear lobes.  

“Stevie was kind enough to donate for us this time,” Seamus said almost cheerfully.  He waggled a plastic cup in the air.  “Ears bleed nice ‘n good.  Bring me the Azazel Bowl.  Oh, be a darlin’ Kat and get the powder.  Second shelf.”  

Seating himself behind the coffee table, Seamus gestured for the others to join him.  Katerina set the bowl down and went to the cabinet.  “You want Pete to leave,” she asked nonchalantly.

Trust me, I wanted to leave, but I felt that any chance of finding Ruby only happened if I got as much as I could from Seamus and the others.  If they were some sick cult, it could help if I could bring the cops or the sheriff.  

Seamus gazed at me, silent, weighing what he wanted to do.  That made me more nervous.  He looked at Ruby for a moment, then back at me.  “Sure,” he said slowly, nodding his head.   “Pete, I hope that doesn’t create a dynamic putty inside your body.”  He stared, measuring my response.

I think I mumbled ok, but sat in the chair, confused as hell.  I could throw that chair at him and try to get out the door.  Would be no problem.  I could get away with Stevie slumped in the Lazy boy, I could jet right up the stairs.

I stayed.  

Katerina handed Seamus a jar and joined him by the coffee table.  Seamus whipped out a lighter, slapped it on the table.  Katerina snatched it up and while whispering something, lit the candle that was always sitting out but no one seemed to ever use.  At least not as long as I had been at the compound.

“Pete.  Lights,” ordered Seamus.  Once he opened the jar, a heavy smell filled the room.  Whatever the powder was, it smelled like ass.  “That is real shite,” he said, coughing.  He dumped the contents into the bowl, then poured the cup of Stevie’s blood on top.  I could hear the goop in the bowl sizzle across the room.  

“Lights Pete,” growled Seamus.  That unfroze me from my seat, I got up and killed the lights.

The smell got worse - I’ve never smelled anything like it, it was worse than a dead rat.  My head was starting to throb.  Green smoke rose from that dented tin bowl - the Azazel bowl or whatever they called it.  The candle flickered as Katerina knelt in, the shadows and smoke swept about her face as she kept mumbling with her eyes closed.  More smoke billowed from the bowl and rose above the coffee table, collecting at the ceiling then flowing back down.

Was the smoke getting lighter?  With a flicker of varying shades of green, the smoke swelled, and a face appeared.

Like the freakin Wizard of Oz.  But it was a woman, like a really beautiful older woman, but with a harsh look, almost a scowl.  And she looked pissed.

“This must not be good news if we’re talking like this, Seamus,” said the big floating head.  Smoke kept rising from the bowl, cascading upward as her head moved about while speaking.  “You know this thing gives me a headache, so let’s get to it.”

My insides did feel like putty, the smoke burned my eyes too, and this head just floated in the smoke, talking to us.  Like a spirit, but also like a normal FaceTime.  Ruby used to say  “‘Normal’ is overrated. Also, entirely subjective. I have no idea what it actually is. I suspect it's a myth.”  She was right and wrong - I didn’t care how underrated normal could be.  

“Karen, I didn’t want ya to think we were hidin’ anythin’.  We’re totally above board …”

“Seamus, you sell drugs and webcam porn.  Nothing about you is above board,” snapped the floating head.  “I contracted you to capture and deliver The Mighty Humanzee, and from what I’m reading from your Irish thug thoughts now, he’s escaped.”  Karen closed her eyes, sending small gusts of smoke spilling out into the darkness.  The candle dimmed slightly, then flickered back.  “You don’t know how he got away,” she accused.

“That’s the reason I didn’t just call you.  I figured the Azazel bowl would let ya get the true picture.  To save time.”

“Good answer.  I paid you good money.  I was impressed you found him so soon, but I wasn’t surprised he got away.  He’s not normal, he’s dangerous”  A disembodied hand appeared and rubbed her temple.  “This is going to give me one huge migraine trying to read everyone’s thoughts, so tell me the rest so I can get off this fucking thing.  Do you think he’s headed up here, to us?”

Seamus sucked in a deep breath.

“I see, you didn’t think that far ahead”.  Karen shook her head slowly.

Seamus jumped in, nervous.  “There’s nothing here that would connect ya to us.  He wouldn’t know how to find ya.”

“Don’t be a moron.  He got away clean, no one saw him.  I warned you when we signed the contract.  Jesus, I should never have trusted a Walmart version of Andrew Tate from Dublin”.  Karen shook her head in disgust, as though talking to herself.  More whiffs of smoke darted up across the room with each shake of her head.  Like the anger rising in her face.

“We kept him tied and hooded like ya said”, Seamus offered. “And away from everyone.”

“But you let that idiot Stevie watch over him,” she hissed.  “I want your ass here!”  The candle light sparked as Karen’s anger grew.  Seamus sat back, startled.  “You, that Russian witch, and that dip shit Stevie, get your ass out here.  In an hour.  I have a couple of scryers who can ride with your men.”

“I don’t know if we need to …”, began Seamus timidly.

“Yeah, no shit you don’t know … wait … hold on.”  Karen turned her head to the side as though someone drew her attention away.  “What is it?  No, I can’t do that right now, I’m in the middle of an Azazel … No.  NO!  I told you we weren’t using Amazon as a pass through supplier.  Get Neil.  No  … No … Get Neil on the phone, get it fixed.”

Seamus and Katerina looked as confused as I felt.  

“Sorry,” Karen continued, she was looking at us again.  “I have a lot blowing up around here.  Yeah … Seamus, you get your ass out here.  Pronto.”  Her eyes darted about, like she was surveying the room.

And her eyes locked on me.

Suddenly my neck felt like there was a cold hand clutching just beneath my ears.  The cold rose into my head, like the brain freeze you got from sucking down a milkshake too fast.  I was going to throw up if it kept up.

“And Seamus.  Bring this one.  The newbie.  He’s new.  And young.”  Another cold flare went up my neck.  “You don’t know who he is, do you.”

Both Seamus and Katerina gaped at each other, then glared at me.  

“Bring him.  And without a scratch.”